if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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