Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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