I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
