I accidentally burped into my bong.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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