I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
