Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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