I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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