why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
