Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
