I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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