Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
