If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
