I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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