Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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