I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
