He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize