I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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