apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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