Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My liver just had a heart attack.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
