I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
