I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
