i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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