i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
