What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Randomize
