so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
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I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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