I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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