love makes seman taste better
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
