Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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