When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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