I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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