im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My cat gives me a boner
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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