the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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