Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
