When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize