I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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