During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.