peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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