i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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