I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
