so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
