ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
