If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
