I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
