FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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