So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Randomize
