It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
