she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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