i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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