I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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