They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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